The Choice to Baby-sit – Why We Care for Our Grandchildren

"The problem is when they make their plans while assuming that I will be available and without even consulting me. Last time I really got mad. I had been out buying groceries and I just came home to drop them off because I was going to the movies with a friend of mine. My daughter was there with her husband and the kids, all waiting for me. As soon as she saw me she said, “Good! You're back home. We've been waiting for you. We have plans so we wanted to drop the kids off with you.'"

"I really got mad, since it is as though they assume that I don't have a life; that they can just show up and expect me to take care of the kids. I do have a life! I have friends and plans and they can't just decide what will be done with my time without asking me. Had they asked me earlier, chances are I would have said yes and I would have just rescheduled with my friend, but what bothered me was the fact that they didn't even ask me," says the grandmother.

Thirty-three percent are under the age of fifty and nineteen percent older than sixty-five. Grandparents who baby sit can be categorized by the role they play.

Custodial grandparents have legal custody of their grandchildren; they care for the child on a daily basis and they take decisions on the child's life and welfare.

The “living with” grandparents provide daily care for their grandchildren without having legal custody, even though the child's parent may not live with them. Because the grandparent does not possess legal custody, he or she has no way of protecting the child from an unsuitable or dangerous parent.
“Day care" grandparents help the child's parent by babysitting. Their grandchildren go home with their parents at the end of the day, so the grandparent has time to take care of him or herself.
On a gardening Internet community forum, a grandmother wishes she had Lucy's problem.

She writes that her daughter-in-law does not ask her to baby-sit her granddaughter, and is seeking advice on how to deal with this situation. She craves one-on-one contact with the baby.

According to Dr. Arthur Kornhaber, MD, the founder and president of the Foundation for Grandparenting, which has extensive research and advice on its website, a mistake grandparents make is "not realizing that parents are the linchpins of grandparent's relationship with grandchildren."
For him, the remedy is to keep in good terms with your own children and especially with in-laws.
He also says a common mistake is "not communicating openly with new parents and not offering leadership concerning the family as a team." He suggests grandparents should become a communication center for their family.

Doctor Samia Boctor usually only baby-sits on weekends and for longer periods during the summertime. She cherishes the opportunities she has to share time with her grandchildren. For Samia the relationship with her grandchildren is absolutely different from the one with her children.

"You want the grandkids to have a great time, so you are not worried about spoiling them since you baby sit them for a short time and also you think you are more wise, but who knows," she says.

This is exactly what Kornhaber suggests grandparents do in his foundation's website.
He says sometimes grandparents do not understand that "becoming a grandparent makes one a new person; that having a grandchild transforms a new grandparent in terms of identity, roles and relationships." He suggests grandparents prepare for grandparenthood by self-examination and family discussion.
Samia Boctor loves to share her time with her grandchildren but she recognizes that the energy she has is not what it used to be when she was younger and raising her children.
"The energy level is definitely lower. I get tired so much faster as well," she says.

Anna Whorl is an energetic grandmother. She tutors her 9 year-old grandson twice a week. She also helps care of his younger brother, who is in kindergarten.

She loves her grandchildren and babysitting allows her to spend quality time with them. Still, sometimes she has also felt the crunch of caring for young children coupled with a busy life.

"I have felt overwhelmed with the tutoring. It is a commitment I have placed on myself, but I know it is worth it to see my grandson exceed. Sometimes, I would like to just go straight home after 8 hours on the job, but I know my grandson and his brother are waiting for me, and I don't want to let them down," she says.

Even though Anna spends a lot of time with these grandchildren, she hardly sees her other grandchildren. She is estranged from her older son and his family.

"Actually my son and I get along fine. It is his wife that I that don't get along with, so she has chosen to not let me have an association with my other grandchildren. I have a special bond with my grandson, similar to what I had with my sons when they were young," she says.

Even though she doesn't see them, Anna still loves all her grandchildren deeply. She even recognizes she pampers and spoils them more than she did with her children.

Anna pampers "even the ones I don't see. I send gifts and check often with my son to see that they everything they need. My grandson, however, has me wrapped around his finger. And I'm sure my new granddaughter will learn quickly how to work her grandmother," she says.

When asked the reason why she baby sits, Anna says she does it to help the parents and to spend time with the grandchildren. She also says she baby sits because they need her.

Truth be known, Anna says she also needs them. Her love for her grandchildren overrides anything else. This is the feeling Samia can relate to.

“We do anything for our grandchildren and for our children,” Samia declares.
For Samia, babysitting has strengthened not only her relationship with her grandchildren, but also the relationship with her children as well.
Samia would do anything for her grandchildren. Just like Lucy would. Just like all those grandparents who care for their grandchildren full-time do.

Veronica Islas was born in Mexico, but studied Communications, Cultural Studies and Political Science at Concordia University in Montreal, Canada where she completed a Graduate Diploma in Journalism; she is currently finishing a Master's Degree in Public Policy and Public Administration. She volunteers with several human rights groups, has a radio show that focuses on human rights and the environment, and can be heard on CJLO, the Concordia University Radio Station. Ms. Islas currently lives in Ottawa, where she is doing an internship with the Public Health Agency of Canada as a Policy Analyst. As if she is not busy enough, she is also working as a freelance journalist for several publications, including Retirement News Today.